MY HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE 2024
entirely too late to be doing this
I did not think I was going to write a gift guide this year, and I especially did not think I was going to write a gift guide today. But as the Freshmen’s papers stared me down from across the desk, in desperate need of final grades, I couldn’t help but turn to my favorite distraction tool: Pinterest. As I was scrolling Pinterest feeling guilty about not grading papers and not working on my novel, I realized that the part of my brain which activates when I’m cooking like literally cooking not metaphorically cooking was ON: I had to put things together, to create a flavor profile, to curate. And under the guise of that being at least somewhat productive (plus, what is the point of having a blog if I can’t post frivolous shit like this?), I bring to you: my 2025 Holiday Gift guide.
Why do we love objects? I’m so serious right now. I’ll spare you the art theory, don’t worry, but I will tell you that when I was about nine or ten years old, I came into the possession of a black t-shirt that had a poorly screenprinted red-ink personified electric shock on it. The electric-shock-guy was reaching out one of his electric-shock arms to electrocute a human guy and the word VOTLO! appeared above this scene in ALL-CAPS. VOLTO was apparently a band, maybe someone my father knew, but in any case I adopted the shirt, and immediately I loved this shirt. I loved the violence of its imagery, I loved its apparent randomness, I loved its hint at rock n roll or at least independent screenprinting, and of course I loved how it felt on my body. Another thing about this shirt is that I’m wearing it right now.
Allow the miracle that I’ve been able to hold onto this shirt for over a decade to be both an example of its integrity as an object and of the depth of my passion for it—me, who has admittedly left certain beautiful, designer pieces to the mercy of New York’s dirtiest and most raucous parties as well as the shuffle of precarious housing; the apartments of various exes over the years (more on that later). I LOVE THIS SHIRT. After years of washes and wears, it’s broken in like a baseball glove, perfectly formed to my body, soft as ever. Only recently did I stop to think, why is this shirt so good?? And as you might’ve been able to guess, this beloved shirt is in fact by American Apparel.
After the founder of American Apparel came under fire for being a total creep in 2014, I think they went bankrupt or something and all the stores closed down. That timing and circumstance has been a reason the brand holds such a specific nostalgia for kids my age—it’s stuck in an eternal cooler-older-sister phase, plus a scandal is always fashionable among the downtown-reactionary set—you can just ask Dasha of RedScare, who became one of the faces of the brand’s new, Dov Charney-free, online-only iteration: Los Angeles Apparel. (For more on that, you can also check out this memoir of a real American Apparel girl or my beautiful friend Madison’s supersmart blog post about it).
Now, when I wear VOLTO’s 2020s cousin (which is cropped a little shorter than its original, and slightly less sturdy but still SO luxurious, thanks to the company’s genius baby rib fabric) or one of the few long-sleeve and boatneck iterations I’ve since purchased, I feel like I’ve unlocked a secret—of course a “quality basic” should be comfortable, as these shirts are, but quality basics should also be sexy. Even my new LA Apparel tshirts feel fitted and touchable in a way only a vintage shirt should be able to, and might I remind you that everybody needs basics, even people who might not pay attention to buying for themselves especially nice basics. And anyway, what is it they say? Vintage fashion, not vintage values?
No matter how it makes you feel, American Apparel absolutely counts as vintage now—over a decade ago! The other morning I was chatting to my friend Sammy on my parents’ landline because I had a revelation in October—the revelation was that I broke up with my girlfriend and left my charger at her house. I haven’t touched my iPhone for nearly two months now— I guess some wires crossed and I just couldn’t bear to buy a new charger, it’s funny how these things work— and I realized I feel so good. Drinking my coffee in my American Apparel tshirt and breathing in the newsprint of the Whitney Review (what, did you think I was reading a real newspaper? Or that I wouldn’t plug Whitney??), I felt so completely like a grown-up. No Tiktok! Keen readers of this blog will remember that last year I recommended the LG Prada as far as dumbphones go, and I stand by this aesthetically. Even as the dumbphone trend accelerates, I haven’t seen anyone with a Prada, and this version even has a keyboard! I’m not sure I could handle an alphanumeric keyboard with the amount I text, but you can ask my friend Yasemin, who, ever-chic, has already adopted this trend, switching all of her text comms to a Nokia 2780 (which apparently even runs Google Maps somehow!) Of course, you’ll have to text her, no DMs.
For the time being, I am phoneless completely, smartphone and dumbphone alike. This is why I want also to recommend the humble iPod on this gift guide—I realized on this phoneless journey that the number one thing I use my phone for, besides comm(unication)s and nav(igation), is music.
Having a separate mp3 player has made me appreciate the act of listening to music more—I feel ownership over what I listen to (what I download—which is anything from albums to soundcloud mixes) as opposed to being at the mercy of an algorithm. I didn’t even look at my Spotify Wrapped— I was too busy living real life: I recently went on a roadtrip which involved a real map and a disposable camera. On this note, a map and a disposable camera would be a great way to signify your gift if your gift was perhaps a trip somewhere.
You might be thinking, Zoey, all this vintage tech stuff is already trendy! My friends already have dumbphones and ipods and stuff. First, ummm, adjust your tone? And secondly, might I recommend that you buy one of these friends physical media then? The Criterion Collection, for example, has an excellent selection of Blue-Ray disks and sets, for your friend who still has a DVD player. These are all great movies, but I also want to note that their covers are beautifully designed.
My aunt texted me and my sister a few weeks ago asking what we wanted for Christmas. I admittedly could not come up with a single thing, but my sister, who is perfect, said this:
This is the perfect answer to this question, primarily because it, much like my sister, is humble, practical, and kindhearted. I, who am proud, irrational, and a bitch, have built a life wedded and indebted to surprises. Good thing I like surprises.
This also reminded me of how one time I bought an immersion blender as a gift for a girlfriend who liked cooking. I think about that every time I pull out my standing blender to make a curry or a soup. Anyway.
My sister will be unsurprised that for her I have purchased a piece of designer clothing. But she should still stop reading here if she happens to be reading this. She is visiting her old camp friend in Spain right now, but when she and I were hanging out over Thanksgiving, she kept making this joke about me becoming her personal stylist. I asked her what celebrity style she liked, and she said Kendall Jenner. Which makes me, by relation, King Kylie.
I got her this Issey Miyake top, which is not quite pleats please I think, but it’s still beautiful and textured. It’s also not something Kendall Jenner would probably ever wear, but this brings me to my point that people want to be challenged. The opportunity to challenge someone intellectually and at the correct intensity (i.e, buying something that you know she would wear but would never buy for herself) is an incredible display of intimacy, and if you’re dealing with someone who, like my sister, has hinted at a desire to be challenged, then this can be especially fun. Of course what counts as challenging depends on who you’re talking to: for example, these iconic (and on sale and my size) Vivienne Westwood shoes might be actually physically challenging to walk in, and this Raf Simmons for Prada sweater presents challenges regarding both weather conventions and nipple placement. So as for the Issey top? I don’t know—I think she’ll like it. Plus, aunt Kim has got the sheet pans covered.
Okay so I take back my Kendall Jenner comment.
For this gift guide, I did quantitive research which suggests that my entire hair/ skincare/shower routine—like if I happened to run out of everything at the same time—comes out to… exactly $100. (If you want to check my math: that’s $9.00 for Lush’s Sandstone soap, $8.50 for Lush’s the Olive Branch shower gel [yes, I still use Lush, in fact I’m dedicated to these scents and have been since high school (because didn’t Lush have such a vibe to it in 2014? I’m sure I discovered Autostraddle and Lush in the same breath, there was this total young-adult lesbian vibe I projected onto it which I haven’t quite grown out of), even though I went on maybe the worst date of my life with a man who I met at the union square Lush; I was distracted by his adorable dog and I didn’t realize until I was in his apartment that he definitely had a girlfriend who was out of town, so here, in a parenthetical within a parenthetical preceded by a parenthetical within a holiday gift guide three years after the fact, I would like to formally apologize to said girlfriend], $9.50 for The Ordinary’s Retinol, $25 for Kiehl’s facial moisturizer, $10 for Trader Joe’s coconut oil hair mask, and $38 for the star of the show, Davines’ Love hair conditioner). My point is: if you’re intimate enough with someone to know their preferred routine products, these can make thoughtful and very sweet gifts.
I honestly think anything self-care related is an excellent gift—so often the last person one thinks of while shopping is herself. I’m guilty of this for sure—I’ll spend $$$ on the things other people can see (ie: clothes) but I use the cheapest lotion and wear the cheapest socks and underwear— even though I know I’d be much more comfortable with nicer versions!
The most egregious example of this from my personal life is my candle dilemma: I absolutely canNOT write in a too brightly lit or too bad-smelling room, and I’ve taken to having at least four candles burning AT. ALL. TIMES. whenever I work on my thesis (which, if you’re my advisor reading this, is EVERY DAY!) I purchased this DS&Durga candle over a year ago and even though it’s run out, I keep it around and just smell it from time to time— THAT is how much I LOVE this scent. But what’s burning on my desk now? Unscented prayer candles. Why? Because I can’t bring myself to spend $70 on a candle again! I think a $70 candle is the perfect example of a great gift because it completes a gift trifecta: self-care oriented, practical yet nice, and something someone would not necessarily buy for herself.
I know it might be strange to buy a stuffed animal for an adult, especially if that adult is not the kind of adult who’s super into cutesy stuff, but on the subject of self-care I would be remiss not to mention Warmies, the company which has produced my heating-pad-cum-best-friend Puppy. Puppy is stuffed with lavender seeds, which in addition to providing him with a great scent, means that you can put him in the microwave and he becomes very warm. One thing about this gift is that if you have a very emotionally unstable friend, you can gift this under the guise of it being a heating pad when you know (but obviously cannot state) that the friend in question might appreciate a warm, huggable thing that also has a similar weight to a very small newborn.
Puppy was actually the first thing I ever reviewed on Amazon. I felt called to do this because I think he is one of the more important objects in my life. But I was also motivated by the new book out through Semiotext(e), Kevin Killian’s collected Amazon reviews. This is obviously aligned to a certain niche of mine, and my belief that Kevin Killian was one of the best writers, like, ever— to the degree that combing through hundreds of his amazon reviews sounds like a masterclass in prose to me— but I also think it would be really funny to gift this book because it is a book about shopping; or rather it is a book about objects—commodities, even— and what they mean to us.
The topic of this gift guide has emerged in the groupchat, and because the members of this particular groupchat are all beautiful and extremely accomplished young women in art and media, they have suggestions that are even better than the random shit I’ve listed above, and I probably should’ve started with this.
Nelya, my gorgeous german bestie who is a certified warrior for love and so cool that over the summer she was able to convince me to do movement classes with her, has recommended a black baby swan plushie, as well as red colored glassware. I think all colorful glassware is beautiful, and usually available as sets from vintage and antique shops. For reference: this is the swan she is imagining:
Bronwen recently wrote about how our friends (her roommates) Maine and Celka are savants—and it’s true, each of those girls’ tastes are brilliant to witness and astound me. But Bronwen has got great taste too: at once classy and timeless (she’s a native manhattanite, mind you) and ever-contemporary (perhaps as a 2025 trend, she predicts menswear for women a-la Whitney Mallet—“a very trademark look,” she says, “which opts out of the sexual marketplace/gaze”). Bronwen recommends a vintage silver cigarette case for this gift guide, as well as vintage ceramic tiles “for the renter who doesn’t give a fuck”. She also recommends these $20 Hue sweater tights that “don’t do the tights thing where they become like a webbed toe between your legs”. As a longtime proponent of sweater tights (me and Bronwen both have storied pasts and probable futures as high-femme lesbians), I want to pair this recommendation with an over-the-knee sock and a knee sock. Yes, wear all of these at once. This is good if you have the classic girl-problem of poor circulation or you just want to wear skirts and it’s winter, plus the layering is SUPER CUTE—I always feel like a raggedy-Ann doll when I do this, that my legs are full of stuffing.
Olivia, who has an incredibly kissable face, and the best Pinterest boards you’ve ever seen, and who I love dearly, and who has a very keen sense of when objects hold a certain spirit, has unsurprisingly yet mysteriously recommended that you acquire for your beloved “items” which were made in a monastery. I think this is a lovely idea because you will not only end up with something beautifully handcrafted, but you will have also supported a monastery. While Kelly originated “tomato-scented perfume” as a joke-item for this gift guide, Olivia has actually been recommending that I buy tomato-scented perfume for a while. I’ve thought about purchasing Demeter’s Tomato cologne, and maybe I should, but I think it would be a drastic change from my current, cozier scent, a Drop D’Issey by Issey Miyake, which I admit I bought solely because of its packaging.
Kelly, brilliant and beautiful and my sister in creating a whimsy-first world, referenced a gift guide she’d written last year, a self-described “militant punk gf gift guide” which only ran in print, so I will reproduce some of its contents here, for anybody with a militant punk gf: first is a faraday cage, for what I can hope to assume are obvious purposes. I found out that they actually make these phone-sized faraday bags, which seems handy. Second, Kelly recommends an RFID writer, which I realized are actually much cheaper than I thought they were, and can absolutely be used for a number of completely legal purposes. As far as paintsticks go, Kelly prefers the humble Markal stick, and interestingly, re: dumbpones, Kelly does recommend a burner phone, as well as something I certainly need: flash drives. In non-espionage-related items, Kelly recommends: a cotton candy machine.
Kelly also provided the groupchat with an early Christmas (and Hanukkah! which begins on Christmas this year), perhaps the best gift on this list: her dad’s excellent running playlist: